Weapon Reviews
I was in a small diner on the outskirts of Krakow a few years ago, interviewing an elderly gypsy over an ice cold tankard of Orangina and a plate of mango chutney pierogies. The sun was low and fat over the Vistula and I had to squint to make out the gaunt figure across from me. I was mindlessly stroking the titanium "Ficken Zomben" money clip stuffed deep in my left cargo pocket when he said, "I remember the smell, mostly."
I closed my eyes and leaned back into the worn, vinyl bolster. "Do you remember anything else about the outbreak events of July 18, 1927?" I asked.
He smiled, and a toothless chuckle escaped his dry, sunburned lips. "I remember killing them... constantly trying to kill them all. You don't understand. I was just a boy then. Their flesh..." His smile faded into a thin line across his tired face. "I remember crushing their rotting skulls with my grandfather's oaken cudgel. Grandpoppy was dead by then. Just like the rest of them. Before they took him, he turned to me and said something that I have never forgotten."
The westering sun blinded me as I leaned forward to hear his grandfather's last words, "'Their brains don't like this club, boy. Their brains don't like this Ahhhhhrrrr [gurgle] [gurgle] aaaaahrarhara!!'"
Deeply moved by this encounter, I vowed to conduct a systematic review of weapons that may or may not be encountered during the zombie holocaust. By no means is this list exhaustive. The zombiedefense.org staff will exercise due dilegence with regard to this crucial research until the dawn of the zombie holocaust itself. After that you're on your own, champ. Please pay close attention to price, post-holocaust availability, and overall rating of each weapon. Remember, it's never too late to ask Santa for the handmade Iberian mace you've always wanted. The weapon reviews are arranged alphabetically for your safety.
FA-1397
Animals, Animated Jive-Talking
Animals, Various
Arts, Liberal
Arts, Martial
Ashtray, Glass
Asteroid, Giant
Axe, Bush
Ball, Bowling
Baseball Bat, Aluminum
Baseball Bat, Wooden
Bomb, Nuclear
Boomerang
Boulder, Gigantic
Cat, Domestic
Chainsaw, Francis Gremp
Chainsaw, Standard
Chair, Steel Folding
Cleaver
Club, Golf
Conflict Resolution, Non-Violent
Dog, Domestic
Doom, Temple of, The Guy Who Can Rip Out People's Hearts From
Drill, Power
Fox, Michael J.
Gas, VX Nerve
Ghost, Holy
Ghost, Standard
Globe, Golden
Globe, Snow
Globe, Standard
Grenade, Stun
Gun, Homemade Gauss
Gun That Shoots Electrified Sawblades, Imaginary
Gun, Pneumatic Nail
Gun, Potato
Hammer, Meat
Jaa, Tony
Justice, Street
Katana
Katamari
Legion, Foreign
Lightsaber
Love, True
Maajik, Fake-Ass
Mace, Spiked
Machete, Heavy
Mattock/Pick, One-Handed
Noodle, Pool
Pin, Bowling
Pipe, Metal
Pipe, PVC
Pistol, Five-seveN
Powder, Gold Bond Triple-Action Medicated
Prayer
Punch, Dragon
Punch, Hard
Punch, Light
Punch, Medium
Rabies
Revolver, Smith and Wesson .500 Caliber
Sedan, 1987 Peugeot 505 STI
Shovel, Garden
Sock Full of Change and Nails
Spray, Anti-Zombie
Stapler, Swingline 407
Stone Fired From Slingshot
String Trimmer / Brushcutter
Toilet Tank Cover, Ceramic
Tract Infection, Urinary
Whip
Wrench, Heavy Pipe
Zombie Shackled to Live Siberian Tiger
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