Following the onset of the necropalypse, successful survivors are advised to make careful choices when choosing a base of operations. Defensibility, food stores, availability of improvised weapons, and proximity to adult bookstores are all factors that can make a given locale a successful or poor choice for long-term habitation. The research staff at zd.o has managed to avoid Department of Homeland Security interference long enough to conduct thorough studies of some of the more common structures located throughout the United States. Suprisingly, international cooperation for our research has been quite strong and the data we have been able to collect along the eastern border of Latvia has proven to be invaluable. Examine these exhaustively to gain a thorough knowledge of not only these locales, but also the metrics by which other locales can be judged.Robert Jacinto Bingham
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Amusement Park, Large In the old days, it was all fun and games. After the zombies arrive, the only game in town is "Corpses Eating You," and the prize is a tiny mirror featuring the cover of Def Leppard's "Pyromania." Bomb Shelter Built to withstand the rigors of a nuclear holocaust, it seems like a logical choice. Logic, however, is the first victim of the zombie holocaust. Civic Center / Major Metropolitan Entertainment Arena When the division III basketball tournment turns into a brain-gobbling free-for-all, is it worth it to stick around? Coffee Shop, Iconic Franchised Double Tall Grande Corpseflesh Mocha? Coming right up, Mr. Tesh. Comic Shop Q: Who would win in a fight between a zombified Batman and a zombified Darth Maul (using only a single-bladed lightsaber)? A: We all lose. Cruise Ship, Luxury Once the landlocked world becomes overrun with shamblors, seaborne dysentery seems like a minor inconvenience. Fast Food Restaurant Sure, it's great when you need the reek of beef tallow. However, when you need a place to hide from the three dozen gray-skinned former girl scouts lurking in the street, is it just as wonderful? Federal Prison, Large Are the legends of the zombie Johnny Cash true? Gas Station They're full of delicious candy and dangerous petroleum distillates, just like the corpses of fat children killed by drinking kerosene. Hospital / Major Healthcare Facility The necropalypse will place a premium on healthcare - just like those goddamned communist Democrats. House of Worship, Generic What would Jesus (Mohammed, Indra, Buddha, whoever Jews have, etc.) do? He better get a pickaxe and learn to swing it, unless he's looking to die and rise again a second time. International Airport Sometimes, it's best just to hop on a plane and leave town. Other times, however, the world is filled with ghouls intent on feasting on your flesh. Should you abandon the airport to its customary denizens, religious groups and terrorists? Japanese Steakhouse Herro. I'm a mirdry racist introduction to a rocare study about Japanese steakhouse. Metal Salvage Facility ("Junkyard") Who wouldn't want to stick a zombie in the car crusher? Anybody who says otherwise is a fucking liar. Multi-Story Office Building The time for suits and ties will soon pass, and the time of fax machine missiles and getting eaten in stairwells will soon be upon us. Municipal Sewer Thankfully, the whole "giant alligators" thing was an urban legend. Sadly, the whole "HOLY GOD, HOW CAN THAT THING STILL BE COMING AFTER US - I SHOT IT 3 TIMES!" thing could happen at any minute. Primary School Facilities Danny Stanton, age 8, wrote the following description: "I like corn on the cob". Private Caribbean Island Crystal-clear waters, a surplus of delicious shellfish, and a populace weakened by perpetual poverty and the long lasting horrors of colonization? Sounds like paradise to me. Hopefully, zombies have never heard of the place. Shopping Mall, Indoor Even if you read no further, commit these words to memory: first and foremost, secure the Orange Julius. Slaughterhouse C'mon. It's called a slaughterhouse. Does it sound like the best place to go? The answer may surprise you, but is probably terribly obvious. |
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