Will the zombie holocaust eliminate racism? I have nightmares about the reanimated corpse of Jessica Tandy, should I masturbate and go to sleep or contact my psychiatrist? Are "assisted living" facilities safe? Is the golden age of German rocket science to blame for the impending zombie holocaust? Thankfully we have decided to ignore these questions in lieu of the more useful ones below. Please send your inquiries to help@zombiedefense.org. The most intriguing questions will be posted and answered by one of our qualified professionals.
Question (Theodore, Adelaide, South Australia) - I’m working on converting a car into a vehicle that I can drive around during the zombie holocaust. Besides putting chicken wire over the windows, a snow plow on the front and a witty catchphrase in Luminamel on the hood, what modifications should I make to allow me to travel more safely through zombie-infested streets?
Answer (Drew C. Mendenhall) - Hmm, where to start. If you were really looking for safety your only possible purchase would be a nallTek graVity car. Since your aims are obviously more frivolous and daredevil-like in nature we are going to have to have a bit of a longer discussion. Let us start by tackling the most important aspect of your question – the witty catchphrase and/or graphic design. I’ll share with you what we have placed on the front hood of two of the main ZDO-HQ transit Smart cars. The first (frequently used by FA-1397 and myself) features a county-fair style airbrushed three foot profile-only illustration of Joey Lawrence with a thought bubble only saying “WHOAH!” The other car is a bit more of a free-for-all within the staff and it features an X-rated artist’s rendition of Alf that I do not feel comfortable discussing further. Let’s just say he’s not eating a cat. I offer three choices for you off the top of my head – little pearls of wisdom, if you will. Feel free to take what you like from this and incorporate it into your own customized shamble-wagon.
1) A like-life rendition of Marc Somers underscored by, in all gothic font, “PHYSICAL CHALLENGE.”
2) A complete replica of the VHS cover of the 1982 Kenny Rogers classic “Six Pack.”
3) Geena Davis’ “MENSA International” tattoo.
You can thank us later.
Question (Roman, Chuckwalla Peak, NH) - I'm worried about driving in zombified streets. While I'm fairly certain that my Volvo would have no problem with small groups of shamblors, I'm not certain about mass-shamblors (getting stuck). What type of car and/or modifications would ensure save driving through or over zombies?
Answer (FA-1397) - As a group, we've been beating this particular horse with a large rubber penis for almost two years, now, and we still haven't reached a tenable consensus. For the sake of practicality, I recommend that you make subtle zombie defense modifications to your existing vehicle. This will give you a considerable amount of pre-Zombie Holocaust flexibility and it will help you save money for more important things like snakebite kits and fireworks.
First, you'll want to buy a can of clear, activated luminol spray paint (I recommend nallTek's Luminamel) and paint an awesome one-liner on the hood of your car. Something like "Mission Accomplished" or "My Other Car is the Star of David" or "I Heart ApNano" will do nicely. Your carefully selected witticism will be invisible, at first, but once you crush 5 or 6 zombies with your vehicle or smear the hood with horseradish sauce and/or feces, its letters will emit a bluish glow. Bad-ass.
Second, if you own a pickup truck or SUV, you may want to purchase a snow plow. If you want to install the snow plow, now, that's your call. It may make parking more difficult, but at least you won't be in the garage trying to install the damn thing while zombies mindlessly pound on the door. Anyway, once installed and set at the proper height (you've seen Gremlins a million fucking times) you should be able to "safely" punch through a moderate throng of zomblors.
We're currently working on a do-it-yourself, anti-shamblor vehicle kit. Our kit is based on the vehicle in this video and will include two dozen mylar ballons. Keep your fingers crossed. We'll probably release the kit at the same time we release the Final Fantasy style zd.o role playing game. Helium will not be included.
Question (Tyler Stoyles, Not the Crab Nebula, USA) - Can zombies climb trees?
Answer (Shaun K. Whitney, MDiv.) – They probably could. Those who have lost the flesh off of the tips of their fingers could use their bone-claws to become rock and tree climbors (referred to en masse as "shimmiors"). A more relevent question, Tyler, would be to ask "Would zombie want to climb trees?" The answer came to us in a study from the zd.o Institute for the Study of Homeless People Who Had Their Arms Broken And Then Were Hung in the High Branches of Old-Growth Hardwoods (frequently shortened to the more pallette-friendly IFTSOHPWHTABATWHITHBOOGH). We were beginning to reconsider our vast financial stake in said institute when your question came through.
FA-887 and three interns (go Wahoos!) headed down to the trainyard, each armed with a bottle of Maker's Mark and a crisp twenty dollar bill. FA-887 managed to then taser an elderly homeless gentleman, and the interns placed him into the back of the zd.o research truck (outfitted with the requisite zd.o research homeless guy cage). The test subject was then delivered to IFTSOHPWHTABATWHITHBOOGH. The subject tolerated the preparation process very well, and was placed at the top of a Carolina white oak. A pack of shamblors was released next to the tree, and within twenty four hours they managed to deliver several bites to the target. Following this successful test, we repaid the test subject by "employing" him as a shamblor in our test group.
Question (Tyler Haney, Winston-Salem, NC) - Do zombies have functional reproductive systems? If so would it be possible to for a breather to breed with a zombie to produce an immune hybrid, similar to vampire/human hybrids like Blade?
Along the same lines, if a pregnant mother were bitten by a zombie just moments before giving birth, would the resulting child be a hybrid?
Answer (Shaun K. Whitney, MDiv.) – We've been sitting on this question for a long while. Our recently created Zombie Fucking Lab (a collaborative partnership between zd.o and Liberty University) seems to have been built for just this purpose. The first question was quickly answered, as one of our interns had recently requested time off under the Family Medical Leave Act. A research squad was dispatched to her condominium, and as she "slept" (read: chloroformed), an amniocentesis quickly revealed the father was, as suspected, test shamblor KF-998. The squad induced labor, and found the child to be neither breather nor zombie. Instead, the child appeared to be a miniature (12:1 scale) clone of 80's teen-movie-soundtrack-superstar-turned-afrocentric-mystic Peter Gabriel. The miniature Gabriel killed the entire squad and his intern mother. All of our knowledge of this event comes from the squad leader's shoulder-mounted video system, which incidentally included footage of Bob Bingham wearing a Pope hat and screaming "No - I am God's representative on Earth."
As for a pregnant woman being bitten, I turned to our local expert, Field Agent 2208. His response: "Hell yeah! I'd definitely bite a pregnant woman. Hell, I was biting one last night! In fact, Whitney, I'm pretty sure it was your mom!" While not definitive, I went over to the abovemetioned Zombie Fucking Lab to speak with Creation Scientist Richard Gallum. His response: "Hell yeah! I'd definitely bite a pregnant woman. Hell, I was biting one last night! In fact, Whitney, I'm pretty sure it was your mom!" Having then arrived at scientific consensus following peer review, I'll let the experts' testimony answer your remaining questions.
SPECIAL GUEST Q&A DOUBLEHEADER!
A noted semi-professional anti-zombie specialist (Molly Hodgdon, Principal Anthropologist, Department of Special Projects: Northeast Revenant Reconnaissance Operation) sent requests for information regarding zharks to some scientists who specialize in standard sharks. Her research is included below.
Question (Undead Molly, USA) - What do you think zombie sharks would be like?
Answer #1 (Dr. Steven Campana of the Bedford Institute of Oceanography in Nova Scotia) – Yours is a difficult question, largely because the scientific study of zombified sharks has been woefully neglected. Part of the problem has undoubtedly been the low number of zombified sharks available for scientific study; I admit that I myself have never seen one. Nevertheless, it would appear that loss of teeth would not be a major problem for a zombified shark. Normal sharks lose teeth quite frequently through the normal course of life, and replenish them quickly. Indeed, there are often several backup rows of teeth available to the shark, which move into the jaw on the equivalent of a conveyor belt. Assuming that zombie physiology has at least some parallels with normal shark physiology, I would assume that tooth replacement would be possible in the zombified shark as well. You'll be pleased to hear that yours qualifies as the second strangest question on sharks that I've received so far this year.
Answer #2 (research staff from the Pelagic Shark Research Foundation) – Yeeeahhh, I imagine a huge fossilized meg skeleton, sort of like the animated skeletons that Jason and the Argonaunts battled over access to the golden fleece. Being a fossil spirit, the shark 'zombie' would not be relegated to extent bodies of water but would be able to range up to 40,000 feet altitude and the deep sea. This beast would attack airliners and yachts, cars and other motor vehicles. This spirit fossil would appear as a shadowy skeleton with big meg teeth and stuff, a big set of stone jaws, cranium, spine, pec and pelv girdles and fin rays; swooping about in the shadows on moonless (fog/cloud cover)nights during solstice and equinox. How’s that?
Question (Molly, zd.o's Adoring Fandom, USA) -
1) Have you seen this this guy?
2) You mention anti-zombie spray, but has anyone tried making a pro-zombie spray? By that I would mean a bait spray made of human cerebro-spinal fluid that could be used to make traps or false "trails" leading away from secure zones? It seems like a neater and more efficient alternative to making buckets of that nasty brain-chum.
Answer (Bobby Jumpin' Bingham) –
1) We have now thanks to your clever intraweb sleuthing. zd.o deeply appreciates your efforts and you'll be put on a special list for double rations during the first post-ZH0H week. Rest assured, the appropriate steps were taken. After all, as a wise man once said, Mr. Grzybowski is either with us or against us.
Since writing the above, I've had a very nice email conversation with Mr. Grzybowski and rest assured, he is very much with us. Look for a review or two of his excellent anti-zombie weapons and/or survival gear in the near future.
2) Strangely enough, a pro-zombie spray actually already exists. And it has the exact same chemical composition as the anti-zombie spray. Confused? That's not surprising. But I don't blame you. The blame rests solely on the monolithic oxycontin-addled shoulders of the USFDA. Yes, that's the United States Food and Drug Administration, not the simply wonderful Ukrainian SuperFudge and Digdug Association. Is there anything more refreshing and life-affirming than the newly freed former Soviet Union? I mean besides the soon to be re-formed Putin-led Soviet Union? But I digress.
A few years after Dawn of the Dead came out, the pharmaceutical giant Novartis decided to “help” the terrified populace by developing an anti-zombie spray. Sadly, after several weeks of extensive research and development, the best they could do was create a spray that only repelled four out of ten zombies (on average). But thanks to the FDA's fairly lax rules and the tireless work of liberty's true guardians (lobbyists), Zomgone managed to make it through governmental testing and enter the market. Due to a lack of zombie holocaust at the time, Zomgone was proclaimed a raging success and Novartis raked in millions.
Now cut to 1989, the year that Weekend at Bernie's took the box office by storm. A nation now numb and jaded to the true horror of a zombie holocaust quickly embraced the fun-loving antics of the faux-zombie-Bernie and America's love-affair with cannibalistic rot boxes was ignited all over again. Novartis, never slow to cash in on a new fad (heart disease, diabetes, elephantiasis, and trench mouth being classic examples of this), slapped a different label on Zomgone (lots of primary colors and some flashy fonts go a long way to impressing John Q. Public), renamed it Zombies-all-up-in-your-face! (a rather clunky name that would befuddle Madison Avenue for years to come), and touted its ability to attract six out of ten zombies through a multi-million dollar advertising campaign. Ironically, due to an absence of zombie holocaust at the time, Zombies-all-up-in-your-face! failed miserably and Novartis hovered near bankruptcy for many years after that.
Interestingly enough, there's an unconfirmed report that ten million cases of Zombies-all-up-in-your-face! was buried deep underground in a vast chamber somewhere under a northeastern American desert. I'm not a mathematical savant but the gambler in me says that there's a 35% chance that that Zomgone-soaked chamber could be the zombie-free haven we'll all be looking for after ZH0H. I'll take those odds any day of the week.
Question (Edward B. Fakename, Genericston, USA) - Can zombies swim?
Answer (Corporal Corpse) – Based on all of the available research (by which I mean the zombie shambling at the bottom of my above-ground pool), it seems that zombies lack the sort of muscle coordination required to attempt even the clumsiest "zombie paddle." However, since zombies also lack the basic human needs for oxygen (the naturally-occuring element), Oxygen! (the women's cable channel), and tequila, they can, in theory, shamble indefinitely at the bottom of whatever body of water in which they find themselves, be it an above-ground pool or the Indian Ocean (and by "Indian Ocean" I mean "above-ground pool at the Navajo reservation near my compound"). Some have suggested that there are in fact hundreds or thousands of zombies from times long forgotten (or "ancestors"... oh wait, I guess that's the way it's always spelled) shambling restlessly in the oceans' depths. Though unsubstantiated, these rumors would help explain the existence of the feared zombie shark (or "zhark"), as well as why black people hate to go swimming. Finally, lest you think it's a good idea to just load all zombies onto a giant barge and dump them in the middle of the ocean, keep in mind that their innate brainthirst will still propel them towards the closest living brain tissue. Thus, they will eventually come back ashore like so many herpes-ridden sailors, probably on a private Carribbean island somewhere.
Question (Kyle Elmore, Mysterytown, Quebec) - Having recently watched Romero's newest film, Land of the Dead, I got pretty freaked out. Would zombies actually get smart or is that just an advertising ploy to attract viewers. If they really will learn from their mistakes, we would all be better off just lying down on the train tracks, inviting death in. Hopefully that wouldn't be the case.
Answer (Rev. Shaun K. Whitney) – Even documentary genius like Mr. Romero's must be allowed a touch of creative leeway when it comes to filmmaking. During our longest running research study (known to our staff as "The Legend of Krull," started August, 1988), we equipped two pseudo-shamblors (fakors) with a different tool. In this case, to make things as accurate as possible, we used three survivors of traumatic brain injuries who had suffered incredible brain damage. Our tests ran as follows:
1 - Our first testor was placed in a open-topped steel box filled with deadly saw-scaled vipers. He was placed (like the three dozen venemous snakes) on the floor of the box. Along one of the box's sides stood a ladder for easy escape. Rather than using the ladder to flee the dangerous serpents, he fumbled awkwardly around the floor of the box. After being injected with enough venom to kill forty killer whales, the test subject was removed from the box, and the snakes were released near a local elementary school playground. Conclusion - test subject 1 was unable to use a tool for his own defense.
2 - Testor two was released into a maze where other severely handicapped individuals armed with rifles wandered, firing indescriminantly. Testor two was given a chainsaw, which had been started for him by chief researcher FA-8876. Upon being pushed into the maze, he immediately tripped over a cleverly concealed cable, and fell into a cleverly concealed acid-filled pit. During this time, the other huntors accidentally shot each other. We consider this part of the experiment ongoing, as Testor two has yet to emerge from the acid bath.
The evidence is clear regarding zombies and tool use - they're unable to effectively manipulate acid baths for snake defense.
Question (Kyle Andrews, Mysterytown, ??) - I know that you have discounted the Zombie Survival Guide's hypothesis that the virus Solanum is the reason perfectly normal people turn into those dirty rot boxes, but in reading through the book i thought of something. What if he's right? or at least, what if it's partially right. Say Solanum (or something like it) is the cause of zombiefication. Well what if this virus gets into our water supply? Could we get infected this way? For that matter, is it at all possible for a person to become infect this way (regardless of whether a virus is responsible for the zombiefication process or not), or in any similar fashion?
Your quick response would be greatly appreciated as there is no telling when the ZH0H may occur and the more prep time available the better.
Answer (FA-1397) – Excellent question, Kyle. What if the Squealzor virus contaminates our queso supply? What if the shamblor nation descends on the back of a great comet? We here at zd.o cannot answer these questions, nor will we try. In fact, there is a strong likelihood that anyone pretending to have "the answer" is either a televangelical paederast, an effervescent, pyramid scheme pusher, or a twisted combination of the two... and I say, "fuck a pyramid scheme."
What we can tell you with absolute certainty is that the Zombie Holocaust will suck beyond human comprehension. There will be no more hot carls in the sauna, no more "Family Guy" marathons, and no more anti-child labor rallies at your local university. It will be you, your weapon of choice (or chance), and the undead horde. Sharpen your wits while you can and prepare yourself for the unimaginable. For starters, you can attempt to masturbate with your latent telekinetic powers or write a novella about a polictically unbiased US Supreme Court. Our t-shirts are pretty f-ing sweet too.
Question (TheIrish, Undisclosed, TX) - You're on the freeway of a major city when ZH0H occurs. Traffic is bumper to bumper, and there appears to be no end in sight. To your right is a large graveyard, where the first wave of shamblors is attempting to get through the wooden fence that separates the cemetery from their first meal. To your left is the city's metropolitan zoo. You have no firearms, and the closest gun shop that you know of is five miles away. You only have a pack of cigarettes on you, and in your trunk are a tire iron, a briefcase, and a single porn mag that you stashed in there for those lonely road trips. You guesstimate that the shamblors will be able to break through the fence in approximately 30 seconds, and be on the highway in 45. What do you do?
Answer (FA-1397) – Assuming it's summer and the zoo is full of tame elephants and elephant saddles, head for the zoo. Fuck the tire iron. How much is that four-pronged piece of crap going to help you when the zombloric horde descends? The briefcase may prove useful if it's stuffed with C4 or alien entertainment. If not, leave it. Take the pr0n mag. You might need to bribe a depraved simian inside the zoo. Elephants love cigarettes. Keep those too.
Once inside the zoo, you'll probably have to make short work of those "Sir what are you doing here? You are not allowed in the elephant saddle room" types. I'm not saying you have to punch them in the throat, but you've got to do what you've got to do. Once you make your way to the elephant cage, choose your champion. This is a great time to utilize the alien entertainment in your briefcase, if you have it. If not, offer your steed a cigarette. Gather all of the useful gear and supplies (cattle prod, frozen bamboo shoots, aborted panda fetuses, etc.) at hand, then saddle up.
At this point, you need to piss the elephant off enough to crush any physical or spiritual barrier standing between your team and freedom. I find that whistling "It's a Small World" answers nicely. Elephants hate that shit. Once outside....
[Option A: Ill-advised Hotdog Tactic] steer the elephant towards the graveyard. You don't want this batch of rot boxes multiplying, do you? Trample all of them. You may have to make multiple "clean up" passes once you've reduced the graveyard to a sea of draggers and floor snapper, but the satisfying pop should be well worth the squeeze.
[Option B: Approved Survivalist Tactic] steer the elephant towards the graveyard. You don't want this batch of rot boxes multiplying, do you? Trample all of them. Elephants hate Will Smith songs too, so sing one of those to get it super-pissed. If you happen to be riding a particularly gnarly elephant, ask it to snap up a medium sized burial obelisk to wield in its gore covered trunk. Crush the draggers and floor snapper left from the first 20 passes.
When you're finished, chew your NallTek "Instant Sickle-Cell Anemia" tablet and head towards the equator. Your champion needs warm air.
Question (Samantha P., Austin, TX) - I’m very much enjoying the resources you have to offer here at zombiedefense.org; however, there are other issues at hand for me at this time.
A few months ago, I agreed to babysit (and I do mean babysit – they’re totally spoiled) my two cousins from February 10-13, while their parents are away on a “business meeting.” Last night, my brother told me that he saw the older one downtown, smoking cigarettes, wearing black lipstick, and tugging at thigh-high striped stockings. Turns out, she’s a vampire. Is there any research on getting teenage vampires to get home in time for curfew? If my studies are correct, she will have already been sleeping at school all day; how can I expect her to soak up another eight hours of healthful semi-consciousness? Seriously, I’m not looking forward to this and I felt that you would have the answers.
Answer (Drew Mendenhall) - Thank you for your complimentary words about the site. We hope that it prepares you and yours for the impending ZH0H. Survival!
You undoubtedly came to the right place for a solid, serious answer to your impending vampire “problem.” Our vampire research is largely limited to all seven seasons of the popular WB/UPN reality television show Buffy the Vampire Slayer and little else. Based on this exhaustive research and assuming that your email contained the totality of the facts to your situation, you will likely be hosting the “enemy” in your house primarily during evenings. Why evenings? Well, the twilight turns out to be the traditional active hours for their kind. That said, it’s difficult to directly give you advice without a little more information. As demonstrated in the aforementioned source, your cousin may still have her soul and therefore be a “good” vampire. According to our source, such soulful vampires are rare, so you’re probably out of luck in that department. In closing, my best generic advice to you would be to sleep with a full knot of garlic around your neck in a vat of holy water while keeping several crucifixes close at hand. Good luck keeping them on a curfew – that’ll probably suck (pun fully intended)!
Question (Ben H., Cambridge, UK) - Is there any reason to set zombies on fire?
Answer (Dr. Shaun K. Whitney) – The latest studies indicate that fire is typically ignored by shamblors. Modern zombie theory indicates that, since destruction of the brain is the only truly effective method of killing the undead, the rather topical nature of immolation can be ignored. An exception of course can be made for fires of incredible intensity – the explosive heat of a blast furnace, the flaming bowels of an active volcano, or the white-hot fire that burns in my loins for Mary and Elizabeth Chulkhurst. Incinerating fires such as these can disintegrate the brains (as well as bodies) of our soulless opponents, rendering them to a fine talc. Such talc should not be feared. So, in conclusion, it’s best to stick to heavy blows and projectiles, rather than trust to flames.
Question (Samika Q., Monkey's Elbow, Kentucky) - If zombiedefense.org is so intent on helping us survive the coming scourge, why don't you guys do actual scientific research on zombies? Wouldn't that be infinitely more helpful than examining the weapon potential of Michael J. Fox?
Answer (Robert Jeramy Bingham) - Clearly you do not fully understand the significance of Dr. Fauntleroy's Paradox. Allow me to explain it to you in laymen's english. Any attempt to study, experiment, emulate, simulate, and/or "research" the zombie phenomenon will result in zombie holocaust. Hopefully the above sentence will cut through your willful obtuseness with the same speed and forcefulness that i fear my machete will inevitably have to slice through your rotten zombie brain with. Now kindly let me address the bold insolence of your second question. I hope your quim rots off, you skanky beeftart.
Question (Whitney H., Beverly Hills, CA, USA) – How will I know?
Answer (Corporal Corpse) – Just trust your feelings.
Question (Charles F., Flagstaff, AZ) - On your web site the zombies always seem to win. How is this possible? It's almost like zomblors have magical powers.
Answer (FA-1397) The strange phenomenon you allude to, in which fate aligns itself with the zombie horde in every possible circumstance, is quite interesting. We here at zombiedefense.org refer to it as "charnel law." It's kind of like Murphy's Law, but substitute the words "zombie" and "certain death" for pretty much everything.
Question (Blain M., Sacremento, CA) - 3y3 l0v3 d0m!n4+!ng n00b$ \/\/!+h t3h fl4m3+hr0\/\/3rz. \/\/0|_|ld @ c4n 0f \/\/d40 k!ll @ z0mb!3?
Answer (FA-1379) - As appealing as the flamethrower may seem to you, it is virtually useless for zombie combat in its standard form (see Ben H's question about fire). It is even more ineffective in the lighter/WD40 configuration you mention. Unfortunately, these incendiary weapons you "l0v3"tend to create more problems than they solve. What's worse than a room full of brain craving rot boxes? A room full of flaming, brain craving rot boxes. Do us all a favor and tatoo rule #3 on your forehead. Destroy the brain. Destroy the zombie. This will make it easier for rookies to put you down once you join the zombie horde. Thanks for the e-mail Blain.
Question (Billy G., Valdosta, GA) - i'm an avid dungeons and dragons player (actually i've been a dungeon master for close to twenty years, lol) and i'm having a difficult time deciding on the proper melee weapon for the zombie holocaust. d&d canon favors bludgeoning weapons when faced with an undead opponent, but some of your weapon reviews have me juiced up beyond belief. i'm now considering purchasing a machete. rofl. what should I do?
Answer (FA-1379) - Billy, you aren't one of those third edition whores are you? Just kidding. Seriously, your chances of scoring a critical hit with the machete are no higher in real life than with a mace or battle axe. It's important to select a melee weapon you can comfortably swing repeatedly for at least 5 minutes straight (fat ass). Whether you choose an edged weapon or a bludgeoning weapon, brain destruction or removal must occur for successful zombie neutralization.
Remember Johnny Longsword, it's possible that decapitating a zombie will only produce a smaller yet immobile zombie making factory (see floor snapper). More research will have to be conducted before a consensus can be reached, but I think the threat posed by an active zombie head is minimal at best (unless you happen to fall on it). It is important to note that the likelihood of accidentally falling on a severed zombie head during the zombie holocaust is 5-6 times greater than the likelihood of falling on another object of equal size (see aforementioned reference to "charnel law"). When in doubt refer to rule #3.
Question (Sgt. Pete M., USAF, United Arab Emirates) - Why don't zombies just jog? They'd get all the food they could ever want if they'd just show a little bit of hustle.
Answer (Rev. Shaun K. Whitney) - Shamblors, by their very nature, are unable to move at a rapid pace. The famous "3rd Obelisk Clinical Trial" (later insultingly dubbed "Babygate" in the liberal press) proved that a fully intact zombie (zombified via slight deltoid bite) presented with a desirable food item still only shambled to its meat-target. Such studies were inconclusive in determining the psychophysiological basis for such a lack of urgency. Dr. Johann Guilder, of the Chapt Institutes, explained it thusly at the time: "I don't fucking get it. Both of his legs work. His brain obviously works, since he's still walking. Doesn't he want to eat that baby?" The International Consortium on Post-Mortem Sports Medicine 1978 conference attempted to address the problem using the still-fresh cadaver of Emil Zatopek, star of the 1951 Helsinki Olympics. Their findings? Even dead track stars, when reanimated, find themselves unable to exceed an awkward, meandering gait. You are right, Sgt. Pete (zombiedefense.org salutes our armed forces! Ten-hut!) in that a faster moving zombie would be a much more successful predator. Sadly, that's comparable to saying that if a one-armed man grew two more arms, then he'd be the Ultimate Three-Armed Fighting Champion.
Question (Megan B., Madison, AL) - First of all I want to say that I love America. And by I love America I mean God bless Jesus. What you are doing is wrong!!!!!!! God has a plan for each us of and it don't involve walking around with rotten flesh, eating brains. Have any of you even considered reading the Bible? All of your questions about the afterlife will be answered. Calllaaahahhahannnnanananafalllalalaa. Praise his holy name.
Answer (FA-1379) - Since Reverend Whitney is out of town this week I'll try to answer your question as best I can. First I would like to say that we too love America. We love John Tesh, hopeless cause bracelets, infant lepers covered in flies, etc. I often wonder if it is even possible for a group of human beings to love America more. In fact, we love America so much that we are only offering this site in English.
Before I answer, I would like to point out the irony in your question. Assuming you are speaking of the "New Testament" with regard to what transpires after death, I would like to direct you to Mathew 27:52-53.
"The tombs broke open and the bodies of many holy people who had died were raised to life. They came out of the tombs, and after Jesus' resurrection they went into the holy city and appeared to many people."
In this passage the Zombie Holocaust is not only prophesized, but we are also given clear evidence that Jesus will be its harbinger. zd.o algorithms indicate that there is a high likelihood that Michael J. Fox will also be present as well. What does this mean for the average Christian? I'm not sure, but when the "tombs break open" rest assured that we here at zombiedefense.org have done everything in our power to save you and your brain. Remember, it doesn't matter if you call it the Rapture or the Zombie Holocaust. Whenever "it" happens, look for "Brain Saving Station" banners on hardware stores and supermarkets in your home town.
Question (Gordon C., Beijing, China) – I'm currently in the import/export business. Since I'm in China, is there any one uniquely Chinese thing I should purchase in an attempt to prepare myself for the upcoming zombie holocaust?
Answer (Rev. Shaun K. Whitney) – China, although lagging behind the United States in terms of economy and cultural issues, has been at the forefront of world zombie preparedness since the end of the period of disunity, beginning in 1842.
In particular, the "Chinese Katana", or Bagua-Two Handed Chinese Saber, represents a highly useful zombie-decapitator. Combining elements of both the heavy machete and katana, this weapon would be a good choice for a sino-specific purchase.
An alternate choice, if one is looking for something that will pass more easily through customs, is a hand-inked copy of the "Xiao Tiang Scroll". Originally understood to be a treatise on the curing of Asian tobaccos, scholars now believe that the scroll secretly foretells the exact time of ZH0H (according to an obscure Gnostic calendar used by Minoans and groups operating along the Yangtze), as well as a variety of clever double entendres comparing zombies to children learning to speak. To fully attempt to understand this document, you should undergo training in not only Kejia languages, but also a detailed mathematical study on the Boycott effect in a stratified fluid.
If it were up to me, though, I'd blow all my cash on a mogwai.
Question (Susan-Leigh McClonkley, Oilcreek, Montana ) My neighbor is always borrowing sugar from me and she never ever pays me back. She doesn’t even offer me and my family any of the cookies she bakes… with my sugar, might I add. Should I do anything about this?
Answer (Robert Jojo Bingham) – Well… well… well, you’ve come to the right place. Since the proper details are lacking, let’s examine this dilemma under the only two possible scenarios. Let’s start with your problematic sugar lending taking place in a world untroubled by brain-devouring rot boxes. Clearly that bitch next door needs to be taught a lesson in humility, Christian style. The following links should provide plenty of inspirado:
www.poisoningyourneighbors.com/children
www.poisoningyourneighbors.com/pets
www.poisoningyourneighbors.com/muslims
www.poisoningyourneighbors.com/reasonable
www.poisoningyourneighbors.com/racist
www.donotbetakingmysugaryoufuckingcunt.net
www.johnteshfrightmare.org
In the other scenario, your sugary generosity is being exploited in a world overrun by zombies. For the sakes of this argument, let us allow the conceit that a fragile social construction such as a “neighborhood” could somehow survive the necropalypse. Sugar has become a precious commodity in this world. Precious enough to kill over? Oh yes. Without question. Should blatant sugar thievery be punished with extreme prejudice? Clint Eastwood vehemently replies in the affirmative. Am I instructing you to kill your neighbor? Not explicitly. But sometimes the ability to comprehend what is said between the lines is a highly valuable survival tool.
Question (Randy Johassen, Peanut’s Chasm, Illinois) – My buddy and I have got a bet going and we need your help to solve it. He claims that a zombie could be weaned from their traditional diet of human flesh with the proper soy-based meat products and some psychological trickery. I think he’s dead wrong. I firmly believe that soy beans are the metaphorical loins of the Fallen Angel Lucifer, and that no good could ever come from them. Who’s right?
Answer (Robert Jagadish Bingham) – As much as your friend (and his probable employer/cult, MorningStar Farms) may wish it to be false, your theory is completely true, though I’d quibble that soy beans are actually the metaphorical loins of the Finder of Hidden Hearts, Kali the Terrifyingly Unperturbed. In either case, soy beans and their worshippers are not to be trusted.
Question (Valarie Smidling, Mexican Water, Arizona) Here’s a fun riddle. Let’s say there’s a thousand dollar bill laying in the road. Among the following, who will reach it first assuming an equal starting distance?
1) A basketball dunking woman
2) A poor Christian televangelist
3) An honest politician
4) The legendarily generic citizen, Joe Blow
5) A zombified Carl Lewis
6) A seasoned Zombie Survivor
Answer (Robert Jett Bingham) – The answer to your riddle is simple and complex, all rolled into an enigma. Joe Blow and the zombified Carl Lewis will get what they both want but the seasoned zombie survivor will be the true winner. How can that be possible? Let’s work our way down the list, shall we? The first two are fictional and therefore incapable of collecting stray street money. Also strike off the rare bird that is an honest politician because he will have been so mangled and brutalized by the zero sum game that is our current political system, he will be too broken to even care about the thousand dollar bill. Joe Blow will run as fast as he can to get the money and get it he shall. The zombified Carl Lewis (who, contrary to what intuition dictates, is not faster than an average zombie. Would you like to know more?) will not care about the money but will be drawn out of its hiding place by the retarded fresh meat that is Joe Blow, who is now stupidly celebrating his lucky “find” by dancing a jig in the open without being aware of his very dangerous surroundings. Where is the seasoned zombie survivor, you ask? He’s on the roof shooting the now exposed zombified Carl Lewis, who is chewing on the distracted Joe Blow who was the bait in an elaborate trap set up when the seasoned zombie survivor threw the money into the street in the first place. And thus, the circle of life remains unbroken.
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