Hello. My name is Robert Jeffords Bingham. I am a “special” person, just like you. I was born with collapsed lungs and the resulting temporary oxygen deprivation robbed me of half my hearing.
Am I asking for special consideration in today’s world? You betcha. Do I expect special consideration during the coming zombie holocaust?
No. I do not. My current liberal, humanistic views will not stand up to the society shattering upheaval that will result when the dead walk the earth. I understand this all too well. Closed captioning, sign language, and the Whisper 2000 will not survive. I must adjust. I will adapt. Or die silently screaming.
The Deaf and Hearing Impaired
Living with little or no sound will make survival a bit trickier. I remember failing several ZPQ’s because I simply did not hear the shamblors coming. Basically you must be very wary of night-time forays and ALWAYS cognizant of Rule #25: Be aware of your surroundings at all times. Visual perception is your lifeline. Respect that and you will be fine. On the plus side, there will be no discernable impact on your zombie killing skills if you choose to wear a Walkman/iPod and you won’t have to worry about sustaining auditory damage from the constant cacophony of zombie destroying weaponry.
Blind Folks
First off, you probably can’t even read this. If you can, well, you’re a fucking liar. If you really are blind, let me be brutally honest with you. You’re pretty much fucked. There are no seeing-eye monkeys trained to deal with zombies. And there never will be.
Non-Smelling/Tasting Folks
Quit your bitching. Your handicap will not effect your survival chances. In fact, it may help you since we’ll all be eating canned dog food and circus peanuts anyway.
Tactility Impaired Folks
Your handicap may prove to be a boon in the apocalyptic world awaiting us. There will be no hedonistic allowances for “making love.” There will only be fucking for survival. Letting go of such romantics notions as physical pleasure for pleasure’s sake and the cruel myth of the female orgasm will be crucial to the survival of the human race. The primary purpose of sex will once again be the uniting of sperm and ova. That is why a tactility impaired person has an advantage. Having never known the humanizing pleasures of physical touch, you will not miss it. Good for you.
Amputees
Those with prosthetic enhancements are uniquely positioned for greatness in a post-zombie holocaust world. Your mundane artificial limbs will be surgically replaced with razor sharp killing blades and/or flamethrowers. These long, elaborate, and painful operations will cement your worth in the new world. You will be our super-soldiers, our heroes, our Billy Dee Williamses: Heavily armored and capable of carnage unimagined in today’s benign world. Please report to Corporal Corpse at the first sign of the undead uprising.
Paraplegics, Quadriplegics, and those in a Perpetually Vegetative State
Please use your mouth joystick or telepathically force your monkey butler to contact us immediately. Under no circumstances will you be used as bait. As responsible custodians of humanity we feel it is our duty to protect you from the physically superior rotting corpses that will be roaming the streets. Seriously...where are you? (not bait.)
Retarded Folks
Your mommy and daddy are gone. Forever. Happily that also means that Uncle Milt with the constantly questing “naughty” hands is also gone forever. There will be no more bagging groceries and acting like you can live independently. There will be no more Special Olympics willing to reward your athletic mediocrity. Dramedies will no longer celebrate you as anything other than the society-draining leeches you are.
I’m sorry. I didn’t create this hellish world. I’m merely trying to survive in it. So please don’t take it personally when I deftly trick you into giving me the last of your food or use you in a Machiavellian scheme to destroy my enemies. And for godsakes don’t start fucking crying. No one likes a bawling tard.
Crazy People
First of all, you’re not crazy. For years the “man” has been telling you that the “voices” you’ve been “hearing” are “hallucinations.” When the zombies arrive, you’ll be better mentally equipped to deal with the sanity-cracking horror of their shambling approach. Just tell that arson-prone talking electric catfish that lives in your kitchen cabinets that he should turn the zombies into chocolates. That way you’ll have plenty of snacks, and no danger of being snacked upon.
Obese Folks
I’ve got good news and bad news for the fatties. First of all, take your lupus excuses and your type 2 diabetes and shove them up your fat asses. The holocaust is drawing nigh and you need to pull it together. The bad news is that the first 6-12 months (depending on your poundage) will be the hardest to survive. Sadly, you’ve traded away the two major advantages the living have over the undead for the fleeting pleasures of deep fried candy bars and half-stale nacho cheese tortilla chips. Those advantages were agility and speed. Good work, my rotund friend. But, I’m not here to judge you. I’m here to help you. And that brings us to the good news.
Your old world habits of binge eating and blaming your lipidic grandiosity on glandular problems and big bones will be a thing of the past. The constant fleeing from the zombie hordes, the living off whatever scraps of food one can scrounge from a ruined world, and the mind numbing stress and fear of living life on the razor-edge constitutes a much more effective, albeit Darwinistically brutal, diet than any Hollywood pinko could possibly create. If you manage to survive, you will be as a Greek god. Congratulations.
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