Q – Why does this site exist? I have seen no proof of “zombies,” let alone any sort of wide-spread problem of this nature.
zombiedefense.org exists for you, the informed consumer. The coming zombie holocaust is not a question of if, but when. Thousands of pages of research, hundreds of hours of video, and dozens of experts (many of whom are prominently featured here) have virtually guaranteed that zombies are not only real, but they are a potentially civilization-ending force of nature. In the words of Dr. Stephon Güttenwald, “Das spuchen zomben puich gulchessachenfädder” (translation: “We cannot falter in the face of our father’s corpses”).
Q – When you refer to zombies, are you speaking of the slow-moving monsters and beasts from all sorts of movies?
When zombiedefense.org speaks of zombies, shamblors, draggers, etc., we refer to the dead who walk. Some documentary films feature these creatures, while others distort and dramatize their natures. In truth, many of these films can be dismissed out of hand as Hollywood tripe. Others, however, can provide valuable lessons on the nature of zombies; their habits, their hungers and their horrors.
Q – How does one prepare? Are there household items I can use to ensure the survival of my entire family?
The staff at zombiedefense.org is in universal agreement on this question. One can NEVER fully prepare for the zombie holocaust. However, there are many steps that one can take to make sure his family is as safe as possible. A plethora of household products are useful in defense, but the most important resource to any survivor is his knowledge. The resources provided at zombiedefense.org exist to provide the forward-thinking public with this knowledge.
Q – How will I know if I see a zombie?
You will know if a humanoid is a zombie by many factors. Here’s a helpful questionnaire:
- Is the humanoid shambling?
- Is the humanoid moaning?
- Is the humanoid actively attempting to eat the flesh of the living?
Q – What makes the staff of zombiedefense.org qualified to give me advice?
One word: experience. There is simply no substitute for the lessons and training that one gains from working day in and day out to be the best that they can be within a certain field. The researchers and practitioners employed by zombiedefense.org have all long-since been recognized as frontier expanding visionaries within the increasingly important area of undead research. Their years of combined experience in both the field and the laboratory have provided them with an extraordinary amount of first-hand training. Feel free to investigate each of their individual biographies to see their various achievements and awards. This wealth of experience and information has been culled together for your benefit on this very website. Much in the same way that you would not choose to have surgery performed on you by a hobo wielding the sharpened lid from a can of Vienna sausages, you owe it to yourself to obtain your zombie preparedness training from certified experts.
Q – Where do zombies come from?
While there are many different and conflicting theories that exist regarding the exact nature and origin of the walking dead, experts simply do not concur on any one principle. That said, this is of no importance to any single human when the moment of reckoning is thrust upon us all. The fact of the matter is that the zombies are a threat to be avoided and eliminated at all costs and that the “hows” and “whys” of survival are the only questions that need answers.
Q – Can I become a zombie?
The sooner you accept the fact that undead conversion can occur to anyone you know, including yourself, you will have completed the first step towards coping and surviving in a world turned upside-down by the dead. If you are to die with a fully intact brain (cranium not required) then odds are high that you will soon be joining the other shamblers roaming the streets in search of warm flesh. Likewise, suffering an undead-inflicted bite wound will ultimately result in a similar fate. The short answer is that yes, you too can become a zombie. The staff at zombiedefense.org hopes you will understand that if this fate befalls you then we will have no choice but to treat you in the same way we would any other animated corpse.
Q – You’re kidding, right?
First of all, we shouldn’t even respond to such a jackass question. Having said that, fuck you.
Q – Are there other sources for this information? Isn’t this information discussed on ready.gov and all of the other zombie defense websites?
Admittedly, there are other sources where you can obtain information as to how to best create zombie preparedness around you and your home. While these other sources are out there, we here at zombiedefense.org feel that once you have perused through the thorough collection of exhaustive and exacting defense tactics and undead facts assembled by our dedicated staff that you will certainly feel that we are your best one-stop shop for all sorts of news needed to fend off the impending zombie hordes. We would also like to point you to the fact that the federal government’s ready.gov website does not address zombies. We feel that this omission is not an accident. Facts such as this only further reinforce our staff’s firm belief that the government is one of the least reliable sources of information when it comes to the timing and exact form of the threat posed by this scourge. Due to the lack of direct government involvement, we have helped with the initiative to privatize this essential work. Please, stick with us. We have years of experience and will continue to work as hard as we possibly can to provide you with the latest in cutting edge news and developments.
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